Wednesday, September 26

I can't think of a title

I am beyond frustrated right now. For those of you who think I am some sort of professional homeschooler with an impermeable schedule...how utterly wrong you are. I haven't felt this out of control since the first the first year of homeschooling. Right now "stressed" feels mild. I am about to go insane. Yes, insane! "Pull your hair out and claim the wee green man on your shoulder did it" type of insane.


I want to tell you all why I am so frustrated but then you will ultimately see what a pathetic mom and teacher I am...so I hesitate...


I know that as I sit here, frustrated that here it is dinner time and my kids aren't done with their school yet, that it will ultimately fall on my shoulders that it is my fault they aren't done. Maybe that's why initially I didn't even want to post about this. But here I am. I am a poor mom...I must be...

I didn't teach today like I normally would because when I went to check my daughter's homework, it was written so poorly I couldn't read it. She was in such a hurry to get it done to play, that she rushed and it ALL was unacceptable. Now this is the moment where I can either lower my standards and say "oh, it's okay..." or I stick to my guns and eventually she'll learn I mean what I say. I feel like the evil mom right now. In fact, I am so bothered my leg won't stop jumping! urg... Not really "urg..." but more like "ick". That's how I feel. ICK. Icky. Ick. So, all day has been my battle to have her do yesterday's work as her best. To give it her all.


My friend says my daughter is the most stubborn, hard-willed child she has ever seen. I say she is also the sweetest, most loving child you have ever seen. *sigh*


Oh, if only you knew how badly I want nothing but the absolute best for my children. Really. That's all I want for them. The best. Some people think I am too hard on them, but I don't see it as I am. My mom and dad were hard on me--in a different sort of way and when i grew up, I wished they pushed me harder like I am trying to push my kids. I wish they made me do my homework, and pushed me to practice my music lessons and whatever else I was good at (or needed to be better at). While my daughter doesn't play an instrument like I did-yet, she is so stinkin' smart!


She just uses her intelligence in the wrong ways...I suppose she is just like any child and uses her brains to get her out of doing things. For example, if I ask her to do her one and only chore of putting the dishes in the dishwasher, she'll go and sit in the bathroom for an hour. She does it in hopes I will do her chore. As if I don't have any of my own chores to do. I'm serious. I've had to "check" if she went because she did it for weeks straight and I thought maybe she had a real problem--but she didn't.


Back to the playing thing. She has this mentality that she must always be playing. In a store, she can't just stand next to me. She has to play either with Colton or with anything. They have to take toys with them-everywhere. I am constantly telling them to put the toys away before I can leave. I even have to have them empty their pockets! It's ridiculous how they have such a play play play mindset! I mean, we don't watch TV like the world, don't have video games. How is it that they are so focused on playing? I keep wondering if they would be like this or worse in public school. Why? What am I doing wrong?? Is it because they have never experienced hunger? Never experienced being cold? Never experienced real sickness? Is it because they have never been without anything?


They are spoiled. I mean, compared to how I grew up. I was telling Craig how my mattress had springs that stuck out and poked me at night that I had to make sure to sleep on the edge of my bed. How my mom was always screaming at me to go clean something in her drunken stupors, and how I strived to please her but never could. I do not treat my kids even remotely close to how I was treated as a child...


I was feeling better but now my frustrations are returning. I am going to go take a hot bath and pretend my life is like a perfect fairytale...Can I do that?


Tomorrow is a new day. A day to do better, show more love, be more kind, be a better teacher, be a better mom...Pray for me...I need it...

2 comments:

lindafay said...

Hello,
I don't know you but I stumbled upon your lament and my heart goes out to you. I see no words of encouragement yet, in the comments, so I offer you mine along with a wee bit of exhortation.

Just from reading you blog I think, and I could be wrong of course, but I think that you have a good understanding of the Lord Jesus as The Lion of Judah--the one who roars and does not wink at sin. Many people today ignore this aspect of our King, but you have a good grasp of the seriousness of this life and what he expects.

Maybe, however, you have not quite understood in fullness that He is also the Lamb whose grace and mercy covers your daily deficiencies as well as your dear children. He loves you with a perfect love that does not depend upon your performance. He just loves you, period. It took many years for this truth to move from my head to my heart, but when it did, it changed me forever.

If what you are using/doing is broken, you must fix it. Then your plans will go smoothly. It appears to me that your school schedule lacks the grace that your children need in order to enjoy the hard work. And yes, they should work hard. You are right. But children crave beauty and creativity as well. These ideas inspire them to work hard. Do you read lovely stories in between the harder lessons? Do the children have opportunities to explore God's creation first hand and run around outside frequently? They were made for this. You cannot go against nature and succeed. You may accomplish the schedule but you will lose their love for learning.

Your daughter is showing her frustration but is also revealing her natural tendency to sin, isn't she? There is absolutely no need for you to get frustrated or shout at her (I used to do that, believe me) I am learning that my four children respond to the gentle commands of an unwavering mother. I think you just need to outlast her. She will see you mean business when you never give in to her little naughty ways. Mommy gives a command with a normal voice and under no circumstances does she yield; at the same time she makes sure the dear daughter's lessons are filled with food that nourish her little soul. Children thrive on this, with a smattering of veggies now and then, in between (phonics, math?). NOT the other way around.

(http://higherupandfurtherin.blogspot.com/2006/10/children-feed-on-ideas-not-facts.html)

You have beautiful possibilities in front of you. Hang onto His mane, but don't forget to stroke the Lamb.

Grace and Peace to you and yours
;-),

a sister on the other side of the world

try2bAsunbeam said...

Thankyou so much for your encouragment and yes, even for the exhortation.
As usually never get to the point of yelling. And I don't think I mentioned that I was to that point. But I was. Sad to say. And shame on me.

I do agree with what you have said in most areas of life, although, in the quality of their schoolwork, I would have to disagee only becasue as being their mom I know the difference between them disobeying vs. them being overwelmed, undernourished, ect. For example, if they stayed up late the night before, I would give grace.

Do we read stories? Absolutely! And we just started Creative Writing which is just a wonderful way for me to get close to my daughter by talking about the beauties of life in a more detailed manner. Kind of shows her *my* heart a bit, if you know what I mean.

When my kids do sin a little more frequently or deliberately than usual, I try to keep my perspective. Kind of a "just becasue you are sinning, doesn't mean I have to sin back" type perspective. That usually keeps my mindset right. No yelling, not getting upset or even worse, taking their sins personally. They aren't doing anything against me personally, they are just being little sinners.

As I wrote that entry, I erased a line where I started to write "why don't they act like they love me" and I thought how wrong my thinking was. As if just becasue I sin against God, I don't love Him anymore. AS I wrote, my mind and heart changed. It made me wish I had written the post much earlier in my frustration. That God would've worked on my heart had I went to Him earlier.

As for the schedule being revamped...I think that if they put forth an effort, kept their focus, rather than playing EVERY second I turn my back, they would benifit and have the free time they really want. They choose to play at the wrong time. When it is time to work, they need to work and when the work is done, they get to play. We have a decent yard of which they get to play in daily so it's not like I am depriving them.

I kind of think that God's love does depend upon our performance. (not in regards to heaven--Christ PIAD for my sins--all of them) But the Bible teaches that the ones who serve faithfully will be rewarded in heaven and the ones who do not will be ashamed in heaven. (1Cor. 3:15-21) To say you work for the Lord doesn't matter at all is not damnable, but is important. A faithful child will recieve a much better inheritence than an unfaithful one. That is true in this life and the eternal one.

I truly appreciate your thoughts. I try to balance the pushing for excellence and graceful mercy, but I obviously need to try harder.

RECALLED!


The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction

2. Foul vocal emissions

3. Amnesia of origin

4. Lack of peace and joy

5. Selfish or violent behavior

6. Depression or confusion in the mental Component

7. Fearfulness

8. Idolatry

9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control


Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention!
GOD

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "kneemail".